They aren't helping... are they??

I started taking my pills more than a month ago. I didn't feel like they were really working. It's not that I had any adverse reaction, I just wasn't sure that the pills were doing what they were supposed to be doing. I was only on a 10mg dose, after all.

Then I ran out of pills and could not afford to get my refill. 

Five days later, I was having heart palpitations. I got sick and wasn't feeling well, and when my hubs had to go to work, I was almost in tears. I didn't want to be alone, I didn't want him to go to work, I was emotional and my heart was acting funny. What if something was wrong with me?!?! (knocking on wood)

My hubby was sweet. "What happened the last time your heart did this??" he asked me.

I went to the ER... and what did they do? They told me that I was having a panic attack. So what was my hubs advice?? Get some sleep. lol

He called in late to work so I could nap and get some rest. When I awoke, I realized how silly I was being. My heart was feeling better, and I was calm. I suddenly realized how emotional I was, and the idea of it made me even more emotional!!! When my hubs got home from work, I went back to sleep. 

The next day, my hubs scrounged up enough money to go get my pills.

I'll say, that lil 10mg has sure been helping. :) 

And now, when I went to my follow up, my Dr. wants to know if I want to up my dose to 20mg.

Do I... WHAT??

I just got used to the idea of being on them at all. And they seem to be working at 10mg. Can they work better at 20mg? Or do I just not fix something that isn't seeming broken?? I'm so lost...

Anyway - the drugs are slowly working their way back into my system, and until then, I'm still palpitating and stressing. Praying it works soon! :)

Consistent

It's strange. Even my hubs was a little shocked when I explained - rather, tried to explain - it to him. 

Through out my life I have lost and given things up. I've moved a lot and hardly ever been able to keep a friend (not my fault, it's just life and moving makes it hard for friendships to flourish). 

Anyway - through out all the crap I've been through in my life, one thing has stayed consistent. 

My panic. 

I know when to expect it. 

I know how to handle it - mostly. 

I know how to prevent it - sometimes. 

I always know it's there. I know that when one of my triggers happens, I can expect that creeping adrenaline and rush of panic as my mind swims and my nerves feel raw. 

I know it's not good. 

I know that I want to get away from feeling this way. 

I know that more than anything, I want to be me again. 

I want to feel normal and healthy and have the energy and motivation to do things again. 

It's almost hard to realize it's going to be gone though. The one thing I've always known would be there, and kind of formed my life around, will not be there much longer if these meds work. I feel like I'm getting rid of part of me.

My hubs has the answer that settled my mind... although it's still hard to comprehend all of it.

"Don't think of it as getting rid of part of you. It's the same as going to the gym and toning up. You're refining yourself. Making what is already there, that much better."

I love him... He always puts things into perspective for me... :)

Cita - what???

So - you have to love insurance companies. 

My insurance doesn't cover Lexapro. They don't cover anything that isn't generic. Lexapro costs $106. Yep... call the Doc.

I've been prescribed Citalopram. It's apparently the generic form of Celexa, which is apparently the "non-updated" version of Lexapro. The company who makes Lexapro made Celexa years ago. When the patent expired, they refined it, and made Lexapro. Didn't wanna lose out on any cash, right? ;)

Can I tell you that this in itself started a panic?? Why couldn't things just go smoothly? Ugh... I research Citalopram - only to find out that it's basically more or less for depression. I'm not depressed though... call the Doc.

He says it's also for panic - so basically, just take the damn pill already!!!

Was I stalling?? Maybe... 

So - I was supposed to start with 5mg for six days, and on the seventh day take my 10mg pill.

And what do I do?? I'm so freaked and panicked about taking this pill that I took the whole damn 10mg on my first night. Now I'm freaking that my side effects are going to be awful and that I'm going to go all depressed and crap. What the hell was I thinking??

What do I do tomorrow?? Go down to the 5mg or stay at 10mg?? I'm so confused and so freaking panicked!!!!!

Am I giving in or taking control?

That is the depressing image that comes to mind when I think of taking pills. Maybe that image doesn't seem depressing to some, but it does to me. It means this bottle will basically run my life. It scares the shit out of me. Along with all of my anxiety issues - I have control issues. A lot of them. Which means I like to be in control of my life, I like to know that I have control of my thoughts and my moods. I like knowing that I'm strong enough to do this, to be okay. 

This is the image that the pill company uses. Makes it look kinda fancy, doesn't it?? Like a world of wonder, almost?? I'm not sure. It definitely looks better than the image of the bottle. However, it still scares the shit out of me. I'm going to pick up my prescription today. I'm going to take my first pill tonight. I'm going to give in.... or am I taking control??? 

Why?? Why am I doing this??

I'm doing this because for a few weeks I've been having migraines. I've also gotten motion sickness, which apparently has a lot to do with the migraines. I've also been having dizzy spells for about two weeks. Apparently, that's due to dehydration. Why am I dehydrated??

I don't know... I've got my whole thought process on it, helped along by my doctor. 

Apparently I was getting the migraines, which I'm pretty sure are due to the stress I've been going through with not having money and having unemployment issues. When I get stressed and anxious, I start to busy myself. A lot. I keep busy 100% of the time. I've also started to go to the gym. This is when the dehydration started. So did the dizzy spells. And instead of going to the docs, I stressed on it. Which caused more anxiety. Which made the dizzy spells, migraines, and motion sickness even worse. Are you seeing the pattern here???

When I finally went to the doctor, I was crying in his office. I was so afraid of him telling me that I had something wrong with my brain. Then they took my blood pressure three times. Once while I was laying, again while sitting, and again after they had me stood up. When I stood, my blood pressure dropped and my heart rate went up. I wouldn't have ever thought "Oh, I'm dehydrated." Nope. Where did my mind go?? "Something is wrong with my brain. What if I need a heart transplant??"

It's awful. The way this panic overcomes me. The way I can literally feel the adrenaline being released and flowing through me with a warm panic. It's sickening. And then I panic more, because I don't want to panic anymore. 

I can't control this... I can't be okay on my own... so....

Am I giving in?? Or taking control???

Join me on my journey to find the right medication.... and hopefully be me again. 

Sunday's Issue

For those who don't follow my blog Perfect Pen, here is an update explaining what this blog is about. A Sad Fact.

I want to start from the beginning. For this story to be told right, I need to go further back then that Sunday. 

I've got a rocky relationship with a lot of my in-laws. For years there have been standing rumors that I made my hubs get married too young, have kids too young, that I made him quit school. There are even whispers from some of his uncles that I'm too controlling. That my husband has no back bone. That I'm a bad mom who neglects my children and doesn't cook or clean. (Where did this come from?? An uncle who visited our house the week I found out I was pregnant with #2, just 8mo after #1 - an uncle we didn't tell about the pregnancy!)

Due to these rumors, I'm very iffy about being around the majority of his family. They all play nice to my face and talk shit about us behind our backs. Whenever my kids do something "wrong", they come to me. They don't ever tell my hubs anything. Seriously or jokingly, they come to me. They lay it all out for me. This is not something my hubs is okay with.

The only in-laws that I am close with is my MIL, SIL, BIL and my hubs Tia & Tio. I've kind of dismissed the rest as people who I have to deal with on special occasions. I put on a fake smile and play the best mommy/wifey in the world. Over do everything and get frazzled as shit. 

That Sunday (the day after Valentine's day) was already a bad day for me. For too many reasons. Needless to say, my panic disorder was on red alert and going to spend the day with his family for his Tio's birthday party that night was making me sick to my stomach. 

First, my son accidentally spilt a soda and they all yelled for me to come clean it. Not my hubs, who was standing right next to me. I went to do it, and my son cried because they made a big deal out of it (which we don't do at home, accidents happen). 

Then one of my hubs uncles (who i have on-going issues with) comes up to asks how I was. He then mentions to my hubs Tio "Oh look, she did her hair, just for your birthday!" Haha, funny funny. No, I hadn't ironed my hair. It was raining outside, why bother??? So, it was a bit frizzy. Seriously? We were out bowling, not at some fancy diner. Kiss my ass.

Later that night he made a comment about my hair again. I had put it in a pony tail 'cause I got hot. He acted as if I did it because of the comment he had made earlier. Uhm, have I mentioned that he's so not that important???

Let's not bypass the fact that we were bowling. The whole family. And their friends. Somewhere around 20 people. Hubs and I chose not to bowl. Mainly because my hubs knew that I was on high alert and may need to leave as soon as I started to feel too pressured. Also because the kids hadn't napped and were a bit frazzled themselves. But it was also because we wanted to be able to watch our kids as they bowled and ran around the bowling alley like crazy munchkins. How could we possibly do that if we were involved in a bowling game??

Through out the night my hubs cousins girlfriends (got that?) were playing with my boys. The two of them are like best friends, seeing as they will most likely be sisters in law very soon. I am close with one, but not the other. The one that I'm not close with was kinda stand off-ish all night. I just kept getting this strange vibe from her. Like I was bugging her by having my kids around her. It's not that I made my boys go with them. They like my hubs cousins, so they were obviously going to be near their girlfriends, right???

So at one point I finally sit down with my MIL and she takes all three kids (my two and my niece) and bowls with them. Some lady at the party starts a conversation with me about how well behaved my kids are. I see my hubs come up and sit with my MIL, so I know that the three kids are well taken care of. I'm enjoying my conversation. 

Suddenly I see the girlfriend of the cousin (the one i'm not so close with) come up and snag my youngest son and walk away with him. I don't know why she did it, but I'm okay with it, because she's been playing with him all night. Around three minutes later I look over to see her, and don't see my son. I become a little alarmed. Try to continue the convo with the lady. Look over at my hubs, no kids. Look to my MIL, she has my niece and oldest son. Where is my youngest??? As I glance back over to the convo lady, I see my Tia approaching me at high speed with my youngest held awkwardly in front of her. 

"Some strange man was just walking away with your son." As she drops him in my lap.

"Uhm... no... he was with (girlfriends name)."

"NO. He wasn't. Some man was just walking away with him." And she walks away, goes to a wall where the uncle who I don't like (the hair guy) is standing, links arms with him and gives me a smart ass look. 

I look over to my hubs. Tears are stinging my eyes. 

"It's time to go."

"Ok. Soon."

"No. Now. I'm fucking pissed. We are leaving. NOW." My voice was shaking.

"Shit... okay... let's go." 

He grabs my older son from my MIL and says we are leaving. She says that she'll walk out with us as soon as she sees my face. We walk over to say bye to everyone. We say bye to the cousin and girlfriend that I like. My Tia comes over and gives everyone a kiss and hug, including the son I am holding - but ignores me. I'm fine, whatever. Just hold it together. Another five or so minutes.

I say bye to her co-worker and my Tia gives me a look. "Okay. Fine." She says.

"What??" I am practically yelling with a cracked ass voice.

"No, that's fine."

I stormed out of that bowling alley, with my youngest in my arms. I tried to hold it together while hot tears burned my freezing rain soaked cheeks. As soon as I got outside I was hyperventilating and doing my best to stay erect while I held my son. I'm scared and alone in a parking lot in the late night. I'm worried about how I'm reacting in front of my son. 

My MIL, hubs and oldest son come walking out of the bowling alley and get me to the car. Kids in the car and me calmed down. I'm so furious that I'm screaming the whole situation to my MIL who just looks like she cannot even imagine what the hell happened. 

All I keep seeing is some strange man trying to leave with my son. Why the fuck did that bitch come take my son from my MIL - just to let him go without supervision?? He's TWO. 

Why would my Tia come to ME and not my hubs? Why is it MY fault that my son wasn't supervised??? That night could have ended so badly if my Tia hadn't seen that man walking away with my son. And who was this man??? Why weren't the cops called for him trying to take my kid?? Why didn't something happen?? I'm so confused and barely holding my thoughts together. 

Not more than ten minutes into our drive home - my hubs cell rings. It's his Tia. She wants to talk to me.

She's not mad at me. She was joking. She wanted to bowl another game and needed another bowler - she asked the girl who had my son and she said she couldn't because she had to watch my son. So she brought my son to me, said her joke and that was it. She was playing around. No big deal. She's so sorry that it affected me the way it did, she wont joke with me that way again. How could I be so upset???

Because I feel like I'm always being judged. I hate when my kids want everyone but me when we're at an event. It makes me feel like my kids don't want me and that people are going to think I'm pawning my kids off on them because I'm some sort of awful mother. 

She says how could I ever think I wasn't a good mother? Don't I know that I'm a good mother?

Uhmm.....no.

She enforces the fact that she thinks I'm a wonderful mother. Just look at how smart and well behaved my children are.... blah blah blah. I can't remember the rest, other than she said she loved me and wanted me to relax. 

So... I try to wrap my mind around it. My kids have fallen asleep by this point. I'm freaking out. I don't get it. No one tried to steal my kid?? I still can't get the image out of my head. It's haunting me. How stupid could I have been to let anyone watch my kid without me there?? I can't trust people that way. They don't know what it takes to keep watch of a two year old. Why would she say she couldn't bowl because she had to watch my son? No one asked her to watch him. He was doing just fine with my MIL. Did my Tia really just want someone to bowl with her?? If so, why didn't she go bowl? Why did she go lean against that wall with the uncle she knows I have such issues with?? 

A few days later my hubs talks to my Tia and she says "I'm sorry for making your life such hell the other night."

"It's alright." He's uncomfortable about the idea. I still hadn't talked about it.

"No... it's not. I'm sorry."

What did that mean? Was she truly sorry for her actions? Or was she sorry that my hubs was married to some crazy over reacting bitch?? 

A week later - the girlfriend who was watching my son, calls me. About some author. Wants to know if I've ever read her books. No, I've never heard of her. "Oh, alright. Bye then." STRANGE. We don't ever really talk - except about books... and even that is usually limited to text messages. 

Fast forward two weeks. We go by their house. She wasn't around when we first got there. When she came in, she was bustling around doing stuff. I eventually say Hi when I get close. I got no answer. Then she ran to do an errand while we visited with my hubs Tio and cousin. We left before she got back. It was just too awkward for me. 

I tell my MIL that I'm a lil confused and hurt by it. She says that my Tia told her that I didn't say hi to her, so why would she say hi to me?? But that she did feel bad that we were gone before she got back from her errand. 

I'm SO confused!!! This was two weeks ago and I'm still so unsure of how I feel.

I'm hurt. I'm hurt because the joke was just not funny. No one could possibly think that was funny. I'm hurt because I still don't know the truth. I'm scared because I know if I tried to find out the truth they'd tell me that I'm over thinking something that was so minor and to let it go. I'm hurt because I don't know if I should be mad at the girlfriend or not. What if she didn't really say it that way?? Did my Tia really need a bowler, or was she sick and tired of seeing her soon to be daughter in laws playing with my kids all night?? She did mention that she was a lil sad that I wasn't having fun and bowling that night - I know she picked up on my foul anxious mood. 

I'm still so hurt. I feel stupid for having gotten so close to her. I've tried for a very long time to not get close to people. I've been let down and left too many times. After losing my mom, I had been broken to a point that I didn't think I'd ever recover. 

 I don't want to say that I looked at her as a mother figure - but I did consider her as more than an in-law. In my opinion, family shouldn't judge. They should love you for who you are, not in spite of it. They should be able to say "This is my crazy ass niece who panics for no reason and is a bit controlling, but she's an awesome mom and makes my nephew happy, so we love her." Yet, I feel like I was judged on the one thing I'm most sensitive about. Being a mom. I felt like I was smacked in the face, on a particularly sensitive day. 

Maybe it wasn't a big deal, maybe I am over reacting... but I am so fucking hurt. To the core. When I think of going around her or talking to her, or of the event in question, I feel like my nerves are raw and exposed. 

What am I going to do???

It's not "what I do"

Like Mesa did yesterday, I'm posting about things people say that irritate me to no end. 

I've been having a mild freak out lately. Nothing too serious. But, I called my sister in law, because she is kind of an expert in the area of which I'm freaking about. 

When I tell her that I'm freaking out and want her opinion, she laughs and says

"That's just what you do. Just stop."

UGH!!!

Can I tell you - if it was only that easy! I can't just flip this on and off like a light switch. I have no control over this. When I get a little mommy worry in my head, it turns into a full fledged panic over something being wrong with a situation, or with my baby, or with whatever it is that I'm panicked over! 

I'm still in the process of learning what this disorder is all about. My hubs is still learning how to handle all of it, as well. I love him so much. He's really trying, and he's incredibly patient. When I told him how it hurt me when his sister said this, he asked me "What would the right answer have been??"

There isn't a right answer. All I wanted was an answer though. Not a criticism on why or how I act the way I do. Just let me know what I'm asking about. Don't call me out on how I'm wrong for even worrying about it in the first place.

Am I never going to have his family understand??

This is not something I have control over. This is not something that will just stop or go away. This is me. Love it or hate it. I am a panicked woman. I don't have control over my emotions, and half the time I'm lucky if I have control over my thoughts. 

This makes me feel like I'm always going to feel alone. On the outside and misunderstood. 

It's a shitty place to be. 

50-50

I vented yesterday, it helped and surprisingly my hubs must have read it cause it got us to communicate. He is not an easy one to talk too, but then again sometimes neither am I. I am stubborn and it's my family's fault. Almost all the women in my family are stubborn, it's because of my grandma, she was the most stubborn of us all and taught us very well :).

I am a work in progress, as you know, and because of my history I am learning how to be more of a 50-50 type person. Or think of it as treat others how you want to be treated, if you communicate with me I'll communicate with you, if you shut me out I shut you out, simple, right?! I'll let you know.

**More of my story**

My past is speckled with all kinds of colors, there was a time when it was black, with only one or two pinholes of white, during the blackest time I thought for sure there would never be color again. You see when I was 22 I met a boy, he was handsome, sophisticated, smart and super funny, oh yea, he was also an alcoholic, drug addict and gambling addict and EXTREMELY abusive. For almost 3 years I became this person who also became addicted to all the same things he was, I allowed him to take from me everything that made me ME, I became a shell of a person. I lost my daughter, my car, my home, my friends, a few jobs, and the respect of my family. I finally woke up one day and said enough, I had a guardian angel looking out for me, a girl I worked with offered me a place to stay and she essentially saved me. I was able to get my self together and then I met Mark. He brought back the color to my life, I had started and he added more.

I think my life runs in cycles, sometimes there are more colors and other times there are just a few. Right now, I am adding and subtracting, the colors are indicative of people, emotions, goals and accomplishments. This blog and the co-author Young Momma are two of the most vibrant in my current rainbow, I am most grateful for this time in my life. As crazy as I am sometimes, it's moments like this one that help me to see the calm that lies ahead. '

I think life is all about a 50-50 (with the occasional 60-40, when someone has to handle more of the load than the other) and right now I am at my full 50 :) and willing/capable to give extra if and when the need arises.

Back Pack

It's hard to know where to start. Where exactly does this story start? If you study child development, this most likely all started long before I can even remember having a thought. Where do I remember this starting though?? I have no idea. 

I remember my mom putting me in counseling when I was 11 years old. I don't remember why. I think it's that I was fighting with her and my step dad too much. They were in the beginning stages of a very nasty divorce. 

I remember having my first panic attack sometime after I turned 12. I didn't know what it was. I even remember thinking to myself "Am I faking this?" "Am I doing this for attention?" and then the sudden realization of "Oh, fuck. I can't stop this." 

I hate the term "cutter". I wasn't a "cutter". But I would dig and dig and dig at my skin until I bled. I forget how I got caught. I know it happened at school. I remember the police coming and having a woman teacher come in and watch as they asked me to lift my pant leg. I refused. They called my mother. I cried. I knew they knew. I knew something was going to change. Something big. I was either going to leave in an ambulance, tied to a stretcher and brought to 72 hr lock up or go with my mother to my counselor. I forget how my mom talked them into letting her take me. I was put into an intensive out patient group for suicidal, angry, depressed teenagers. I don't know if I hated being called suicidal, or if I thought it was hilarious. I do know that the IOP group made me realize that there were some crazy fucking kids out there - and I was not one of them. My issues didn't compare - by a long shot. I was in the group with girls who took blades to their arms. One girl had a line of scars. Like tallies on a score board. Another girl had talked of memories in a padded room where she did nothing but run and throw herself against the walls all day - for the fun of it. Another girl who swallowed a bottle of pills, for who knew what reason. A boy who had thoughts of throwing his grandmother down the stairs. It was scary. (Forget the fact that he became my best friend for a few years. Until he got real crazy.)

It just kept going from there. There is so much that I went through, I don't know where to begin. Or what is worth mentioning. I want to leave a lot of it for later posts. To give you a real idea of how these things effected me, rather than a list of my roller coaster life. 

One time, when I was in counseling... somewhere around 17 years old... I had a counselor ask me to do a project. I refused, and I don't remember why. But that project has stuck in my head ever since. I still haven't done it... but I think this blog is - in it's own way - a part of this project. 

She said that she wanted me to make a timeline of my life. From the day I was born to the present date. For every traumatic thing that had happened to me, she wanted me to mark the age and a title. Then she wanted me to write what had happened. At the end of it, I was to make a sort of "back pack" and decide what of that I wanted to keep with me and what I wanted to leave behind. What of it I thought was worth keeping, because of the ways it changed me. And what of it wasn't, because I didn't feel the changes were good or necessary ones. 

I question these things all the time. What in life can you really regret? 

Do you love yourself today??? Is it in spite of or because of the things that you've gone through?? They've all, in fact, made you who you are today. So, what would I take in that back pack??? I don't know. Maybe this blog will help me figure that out. 

I can tell you that I have been diagnosed as having an anxiety disorder. I'm sure the diagnosis would be more exact if I could afford to see a professional. Sadly, all I can afford is a doctor who continues to want to push pills down my throat and another who doesn't think I'm "at that stage, yet."

If you ask Wikipedia - I've got generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, phobias, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and post traumatic stress disorder. Gotta love wiki, right?

I can tell you that I know for a fact that I have been anxious since I was about 14 years old. It might have started before that, but that's when I remember having panic affect my day to day life. 

I can tell you that I tried medication once, have been prescribed medication at least three times, and am currently trying to cope without medication. 

Some things I can state, easily enough, because they would be known by any of my followers from Perfect Pen. Stories about them can be found on that blog.

I don't have either of my parents. I lost both before I turned 19 years old. I have no grandparents. I have some aunts and uncles, but none that I'm close with. I try to have a close relationship with some of my in laws, but we all know the twisted shit that goes into that. I have two younger brothers who I sometimes think are more of a headache then what our relationship is worth. (I know, that sounds awful, but I just am so exhausted by them.) One of them has an anxiety disorder, the other is diagnosed as being schizoaffective. Both are drug addicted alcoholics. 

I have been with my husband since I was a child. I have two children. The three of them are the best things that could have ever happened to me in this life. I have a faith in God that hasn't always been strong, but that is growing stronger as I learn more about myself.

 All of this takes some sort of roll in my anxiety and my healing process. 

Welcome!!!

This is a new blog by me, Young Momma (Perfect Pen) and Mesa (The Bush Family). We've started this blog to help ourselves and others. Recently I posted about having to decide if I thought medication was the right path for my anxiety disorder, and Mesa was right there to help me. As were a lot others. Mesa and I thought it would be an awesome idea to start this blog. We could vent and share our stories. We could hear from other women/men about what they've gone through and how their coping. Things they've tried, what does and doesn't work. 

We're still in the process of figuring out a "schedule" of sorts, but we'll be trying to post as often as possible. We also plan on featuring different bloggers. We aren't sure if it will happen once a week or once a month, but it'll happen. If you want us to feature your blog, comment us here and we'll e-mail you letting you know what to do! :)

We're looking forward to seeing where this blog goes and what type of feedback we'll get! 

Thanks for stopping by, and please don't forget to follow us! :)