Am I giving in or taking control?

That is the depressing image that comes to mind when I think of taking pills. Maybe that image doesn't seem depressing to some, but it does to me. It means this bottle will basically run my life. It scares the shit out of me. Along with all of my anxiety issues - I have control issues. A lot of them. Which means I like to be in control of my life, I like to know that I have control of my thoughts and my moods. I like knowing that I'm strong enough to do this, to be okay. 

This is the image that the pill company uses. Makes it look kinda fancy, doesn't it?? Like a world of wonder, almost?? I'm not sure. It definitely looks better than the image of the bottle. However, it still scares the shit out of me. I'm going to pick up my prescription today. I'm going to take my first pill tonight. I'm going to give in.... or am I taking control??? 

Why?? Why am I doing this??

I'm doing this because for a few weeks I've been having migraines. I've also gotten motion sickness, which apparently has a lot to do with the migraines. I've also been having dizzy spells for about two weeks. Apparently, that's due to dehydration. Why am I dehydrated??

I don't know... I've got my whole thought process on it, helped along by my doctor. 

Apparently I was getting the migraines, which I'm pretty sure are due to the stress I've been going through with not having money and having unemployment issues. When I get stressed and anxious, I start to busy myself. A lot. I keep busy 100% of the time. I've also started to go to the gym. This is when the dehydration started. So did the dizzy spells. And instead of going to the docs, I stressed on it. Which caused more anxiety. Which made the dizzy spells, migraines, and motion sickness even worse. Are you seeing the pattern here???

When I finally went to the doctor, I was crying in his office. I was so afraid of him telling me that I had something wrong with my brain. Then they took my blood pressure three times. Once while I was laying, again while sitting, and again after they had me stood up. When I stood, my blood pressure dropped and my heart rate went up. I wouldn't have ever thought "Oh, I'm dehydrated." Nope. Where did my mind go?? "Something is wrong with my brain. What if I need a heart transplant??"

It's awful. The way this panic overcomes me. The way I can literally feel the adrenaline being released and flowing through me with a warm panic. It's sickening. And then I panic more, because I don't want to panic anymore. 

I can't control this... I can't be okay on my own... so....

Am I giving in?? Or taking control???

Join me on my journey to find the right medication.... and hopefully be me again.