Cita - what???

So - you have to love insurance companies. 

My insurance doesn't cover Lexapro. They don't cover anything that isn't generic. Lexapro costs $106. Yep... call the Doc.

I've been prescribed Citalopram. It's apparently the generic form of Celexa, which is apparently the "non-updated" version of Lexapro. The company who makes Lexapro made Celexa years ago. When the patent expired, they refined it, and made Lexapro. Didn't wanna lose out on any cash, right? ;)

Can I tell you that this in itself started a panic?? Why couldn't things just go smoothly? Ugh... I research Citalopram - only to find out that it's basically more or less for depression. I'm not depressed though... call the Doc.

He says it's also for panic - so basically, just take the damn pill already!!!

Was I stalling?? Maybe... 

So - I was supposed to start with 5mg for six days, and on the seventh day take my 10mg pill.

And what do I do?? I'm so freaked and panicked about taking this pill that I took the whole damn 10mg on my first night. Now I'm freaking that my side effects are going to be awful and that I'm going to go all depressed and crap. What the hell was I thinking??

What do I do tomorrow?? Go down to the 5mg or stay at 10mg?? I'm so confused and so freaking panicked!!!!!

Am I giving in or taking control?

That is the depressing image that comes to mind when I think of taking pills. Maybe that image doesn't seem depressing to some, but it does to me. It means this bottle will basically run my life. It scares the shit out of me. Along with all of my anxiety issues - I have control issues. A lot of them. Which means I like to be in control of my life, I like to know that I have control of my thoughts and my moods. I like knowing that I'm strong enough to do this, to be okay. 

This is the image that the pill company uses. Makes it look kinda fancy, doesn't it?? Like a world of wonder, almost?? I'm not sure. It definitely looks better than the image of the bottle. However, it still scares the shit out of me. I'm going to pick up my prescription today. I'm going to take my first pill tonight. I'm going to give in.... or am I taking control??? 

Why?? Why am I doing this??

I'm doing this because for a few weeks I've been having migraines. I've also gotten motion sickness, which apparently has a lot to do with the migraines. I've also been having dizzy spells for about two weeks. Apparently, that's due to dehydration. Why am I dehydrated??

I don't know... I've got my whole thought process on it, helped along by my doctor. 

Apparently I was getting the migraines, which I'm pretty sure are due to the stress I've been going through with not having money and having unemployment issues. When I get stressed and anxious, I start to busy myself. A lot. I keep busy 100% of the time. I've also started to go to the gym. This is when the dehydration started. So did the dizzy spells. And instead of going to the docs, I stressed on it. Which caused more anxiety. Which made the dizzy spells, migraines, and motion sickness even worse. Are you seeing the pattern here???

When I finally went to the doctor, I was crying in his office. I was so afraid of him telling me that I had something wrong with my brain. Then they took my blood pressure three times. Once while I was laying, again while sitting, and again after they had me stood up. When I stood, my blood pressure dropped and my heart rate went up. I wouldn't have ever thought "Oh, I'm dehydrated." Nope. Where did my mind go?? "Something is wrong with my brain. What if I need a heart transplant??"

It's awful. The way this panic overcomes me. The way I can literally feel the adrenaline being released and flowing through me with a warm panic. It's sickening. And then I panic more, because I don't want to panic anymore. 

I can't control this... I can't be okay on my own... so....

Am I giving in?? Or taking control???

Join me on my journey to find the right medication.... and hopefully be me again. 

Back Pack

It's hard to know where to start. Where exactly does this story start? If you study child development, this most likely all started long before I can even remember having a thought. Where do I remember this starting though?? I have no idea. 

I remember my mom putting me in counseling when I was 11 years old. I don't remember why. I think it's that I was fighting with her and my step dad too much. They were in the beginning stages of a very nasty divorce. 

I remember having my first panic attack sometime after I turned 12. I didn't know what it was. I even remember thinking to myself "Am I faking this?" "Am I doing this for attention?" and then the sudden realization of "Oh, fuck. I can't stop this." 

I hate the term "cutter". I wasn't a "cutter". But I would dig and dig and dig at my skin until I bled. I forget how I got caught. I know it happened at school. I remember the police coming and having a woman teacher come in and watch as they asked me to lift my pant leg. I refused. They called my mother. I cried. I knew they knew. I knew something was going to change. Something big. I was either going to leave in an ambulance, tied to a stretcher and brought to 72 hr lock up or go with my mother to my counselor. I forget how my mom talked them into letting her take me. I was put into an intensive out patient group for suicidal, angry, depressed teenagers. I don't know if I hated being called suicidal, or if I thought it was hilarious. I do know that the IOP group made me realize that there were some crazy fucking kids out there - and I was not one of them. My issues didn't compare - by a long shot. I was in the group with girls who took blades to their arms. One girl had a line of scars. Like tallies on a score board. Another girl had talked of memories in a padded room where she did nothing but run and throw herself against the walls all day - for the fun of it. Another girl who swallowed a bottle of pills, for who knew what reason. A boy who had thoughts of throwing his grandmother down the stairs. It was scary. (Forget the fact that he became my best friend for a few years. Until he got real crazy.)

It just kept going from there. There is so much that I went through, I don't know where to begin. Or what is worth mentioning. I want to leave a lot of it for later posts. To give you a real idea of how these things effected me, rather than a list of my roller coaster life. 

One time, when I was in counseling... somewhere around 17 years old... I had a counselor ask me to do a project. I refused, and I don't remember why. But that project has stuck in my head ever since. I still haven't done it... but I think this blog is - in it's own way - a part of this project. 

She said that she wanted me to make a timeline of my life. From the day I was born to the present date. For every traumatic thing that had happened to me, she wanted me to mark the age and a title. Then she wanted me to write what had happened. At the end of it, I was to make a sort of "back pack" and decide what of that I wanted to keep with me and what I wanted to leave behind. What of it I thought was worth keeping, because of the ways it changed me. And what of it wasn't, because I didn't feel the changes were good or necessary ones. 

I question these things all the time. What in life can you really regret? 

Do you love yourself today??? Is it in spite of or because of the things that you've gone through?? They've all, in fact, made you who you are today. So, what would I take in that back pack??? I don't know. Maybe this blog will help me figure that out. 

I can tell you that I have been diagnosed as having an anxiety disorder. I'm sure the diagnosis would be more exact if I could afford to see a professional. Sadly, all I can afford is a doctor who continues to want to push pills down my throat and another who doesn't think I'm "at that stage, yet."

If you ask Wikipedia - I've got generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, phobias, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and post traumatic stress disorder. Gotta love wiki, right?

I can tell you that I know for a fact that I have been anxious since I was about 14 years old. It might have started before that, but that's when I remember having panic affect my day to day life. 

I can tell you that I tried medication once, have been prescribed medication at least three times, and am currently trying to cope without medication. 

Some things I can state, easily enough, because they would be known by any of my followers from Perfect Pen. Stories about them can be found on that blog.

I don't have either of my parents. I lost both before I turned 19 years old. I have no grandparents. I have some aunts and uncles, but none that I'm close with. I try to have a close relationship with some of my in laws, but we all know the twisted shit that goes into that. I have two younger brothers who I sometimes think are more of a headache then what our relationship is worth. (I know, that sounds awful, but I just am so exhausted by them.) One of them has an anxiety disorder, the other is diagnosed as being schizoaffective. Both are drug addicted alcoholics. 

I have been with my husband since I was a child. I have two children. The three of them are the best things that could have ever happened to me in this life. I have a faith in God that hasn't always been strong, but that is growing stronger as I learn more about myself.

 All of this takes some sort of roll in my anxiety and my healing process. 

What it's like being Bi-Polar, a wife, a mom and friend

***Part of Mesa's Story***



Hi to all that are support seekers or givers! I'm so glad you stopped by :). I hope that you will find some peace and comfort here amidst the Mania that causes Anxiety, Depression, etc..etc.. I am sharing a part of myself with you that not many know. I was diagnosed as being Bi-Polar a litte over a year ago, I also have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Seasonal Effective Disorder (SED..instead of sad..lol) and Anxiety! Let me tell you IT IS A LOT OF FUN being me, kinda..haha.. I tend to use humor to downplay the seriousness of my "illnesses". If there's 2 words that I wish could be banished they are Mental Illness, for those of us that have issues, and know that we have issues, calling us mentally ill puts a stigma on us, most of the time it makes me feel like I should be locked up (which maybe I should be?? That will be determined at a later time..although if you ask my closest friends they would whole heartedly agree..hehe).



How did I get to be this way you might be thinking? The short version is my up bringing or environment to which I was exposed. The long version, is well, quite a bit longer, so how about I just make it a medium version..compromise..gotta love it (again with the sarcastic humor..I know). Anyway, back to why I'm a maniac (singing the maniac song in my head), my father was bi-polar, my mother was depressed ALL the time, and they were both drug addicts. I saw at a very young age just what drugs can do to people and how violent they can become, I watched some beatings take place that have forever scarred me..hence- the need for counseling now at the age of 30! I knew growing up that something was a little off about me, but no one ever caught on, not until I was 19. I had my first BIG freak out. I will not go into all the details I will only say that I was crying out for help and no one could hear me. My second BIG freak out happened at 22. I have since then learned NOT TO FREAK out the way I had those 2 times and am now becoming better. I suppose I should give a definition to the BIG FREAK OUTS=Suicide Attempts. I knew the first time I tried that I wasn't going to die, it was just a cry for help. The second time well I thought maybe I might, however, God had other plans for me. I'll leave that for another post.

I had originally written a very long post doing a kind of chronological order of my past, but I chose to delete it because it was long and I felt that I should save some of that stuff for a later time. What I know about life right now and my purpose for sharing this story with all of you is stuff like what Young Momma and I are going through need to be talked about. I think that the longer people sit in silence the worse they become. Having 2 psychiatrists these days has been a big help for me, I have one that regulates my meds and one strictly for counseling. I take 3 different medications, Cymbalta, Lamictal and Mini-Press. The 3 combined are supposed to help keep me stable, some days they work, some days they don't. I'm still on the fence about them. I don't want to be chained to them for the rest of my life, but I might have to be. That is an on going event that will be explored more later.

The biggest thing for me is that I have always craved stability in my life, my marriage to Mark has by far been the best thing to have ever happened to me, along with both of my children of course :). SOmetimes I feel completely alone though, not having my mom, or my grandma has been the hardest things for me to deal with lately. I'll write more about that later too. I will end this post here for now...Thanks for reading.