And the hits keep on comin'

I went to the doc today. I have hypothyroidism and possibly type 2 diabetes (more blood work needs to be done to determine if it's type 1 or 2, more than likely it's type 2). Both of these run in my family, yay for genes! It explains a lot though so I suppose I should be relieved right? Now I know what else is wrong with me, on top of Bi-Polar Disorder and PTSD...woohoo! Pills, pills and more pills...I remember when I was younger saying to my mom how I never ever wanted to be dependent on medication....boy, did I put the wrong message out into the Universe or what? On the bright side of this, I should lose a bunch of weight and will now be forced into eating way healthier :)....

For more info about hypothyroidism click here

**By the way, this is not an April Fool's joke, in case anyone was wondering since it is April Fool's Day...lol...**

Consistent

It's strange. Even my hubs was a little shocked when I explained - rather, tried to explain - it to him. 

Through out my life I have lost and given things up. I've moved a lot and hardly ever been able to keep a friend (not my fault, it's just life and moving makes it hard for friendships to flourish). 

Anyway - through out all the crap I've been through in my life, one thing has stayed consistent. 

My panic. 

I know when to expect it. 

I know how to handle it - mostly. 

I know how to prevent it - sometimes. 

I always know it's there. I know that when one of my triggers happens, I can expect that creeping adrenaline and rush of panic as my mind swims and my nerves feel raw. 

I know it's not good. 

I know that I want to get away from feeling this way. 

I know that more than anything, I want to be me again. 

I want to feel normal and healthy and have the energy and motivation to do things again. 

It's almost hard to realize it's going to be gone though. The one thing I've always known would be there, and kind of formed my life around, will not be there much longer if these meds work. I feel like I'm getting rid of part of me.

My hubs has the answer that settled my mind... although it's still hard to comprehend all of it.

"Don't think of it as getting rid of part of you. It's the same as going to the gym and toning up. You're refining yourself. Making what is already there, that much better."

I love him... He always puts things into perspective for me... :)

Child of Chaos...No More

Is it human nature to be addicted to drama? Or is it simply a matter of preference? Or is it due to circumstances beyond one's control? These questions have been burning a hole in my brain today. I used to call myself a child of chaos, because essentially that is what I was. Today, I no longer feel that way. Do I still enjoy drama? Only if it's on tv. I do not enjoy other people's stuff anymore, I will say that yes I used to love when people would call me up and tell me all their stuff and I would try to play mrs. fix-it. Some may say that this blog is still me trying to do that, I can gladly say that I am not trying to fix anything for anyone. I am here to tell my story and that's it. If it helps someone then that's phenomenal! I write about this part of my life to help myself. It helps me gain perspective on where I was and where I am. It helps bring control to my life. Yes, I am a control freak, but only of myself (and maybe my kids). I don't feel the need to control others and I certainly will not allow others to control me.

There are certain things that happen in my life when I put a thought out into the universe. I always get an answer and it's ultimately up to me on what I do with it. When it comes to chaos and drama, well I seem to be a magnet. I have learned now how to separate myself from those that are toxic. I have learned how to put protective walls up that help me to see through the BS of someone else. I also know how to keep those that I used to be close to, that are still drama filled, at an arms length, for my sanity's sake.

I am not perfect, I am a student of life and I thank God that I am learning. I am stubborn and I am steadfast when it comes to my belief that I need to put myself and my family first. I am loyal to the people that I feel are good for me and the ones that are a detriment or make me feel less than, I keep out.

So, children of the chaos theory, I ask you...is it worth it? Do you really want to stay addicted to drama? And to those that aren't, how do you do it? Just some food for thought.....