Consistent

It's strange. Even my hubs was a little shocked when I explained - rather, tried to explain - it to him. 

Through out my life I have lost and given things up. I've moved a lot and hardly ever been able to keep a friend (not my fault, it's just life and moving makes it hard for friendships to flourish). 

Anyway - through out all the crap I've been through in my life, one thing has stayed consistent. 

My panic. 

I know when to expect it. 

I know how to handle it - mostly. 

I know how to prevent it - sometimes. 

I always know it's there. I know that when one of my triggers happens, I can expect that creeping adrenaline and rush of panic as my mind swims and my nerves feel raw. 

I know it's not good. 

I know that I want to get away from feeling this way. 

I know that more than anything, I want to be me again. 

I want to feel normal and healthy and have the energy and motivation to do things again. 

It's almost hard to realize it's going to be gone though. The one thing I've always known would be there, and kind of formed my life around, will not be there much longer if these meds work. I feel like I'm getting rid of part of me.

My hubs has the answer that settled my mind... although it's still hard to comprehend all of it.

"Don't think of it as getting rid of part of you. It's the same as going to the gym and toning up. You're refining yourself. Making what is already there, that much better."

I love him... He always puts things into perspective for me... :)