Saturday, March 7, 2009

Am I giving in or taking control?

That is the depressing image that comes to mind when I think of taking pills. Maybe that image doesn't seem depressing to some, but it does to me. It means this bottle will basically run my life. It scares the shit out of me. Along with all of my anxiety issues - I have control issues. A lot of them. Which means I like to be in control of my life, I like to know that I have control of my thoughts and my moods. I like knowing that I'm strong enough to do this, to be okay. 

This is the image that the pill company uses. Makes it look kinda fancy, doesn't it?? Like a world of wonder, almost?? I'm not sure. It definitely looks better than the image of the bottle. However, it still scares the shit out of me. I'm going to pick up my prescription today. I'm going to take my first pill tonight. I'm going to give in.... or am I taking control??? 

Why?? Why am I doing this??

I'm doing this because for a few weeks I've been having migraines. I've also gotten motion sickness, which apparently has a lot to do with the migraines. I've also been having dizzy spells for about two weeks. Apparently, that's due to dehydration. Why am I dehydrated??

I don't know... I've got my whole thought process on it, helped along by my doctor. 

Apparently I was getting the migraines, which I'm pretty sure are due to the stress I've been going through with not having money and having unemployment issues. When I get stressed and anxious, I start to busy myself. A lot. I keep busy 100% of the time. I've also started to go to the gym. This is when the dehydration started. So did the dizzy spells. And instead of going to the docs, I stressed on it. Which caused more anxiety. Which made the dizzy spells, migraines, and motion sickness even worse. Are you seeing the pattern here???

When I finally went to the doctor, I was crying in his office. I was so afraid of him telling me that I had something wrong with my brain. Then they took my blood pressure three times. Once while I was laying, again while sitting, and again after they had me stood up. When I stood, my blood pressure dropped and my heart rate went up. I wouldn't have ever thought "Oh, I'm dehydrated." Nope. Where did my mind go?? "Something is wrong with my brain. What if I need a heart transplant??"

It's awful. The way this panic overcomes me. The way I can literally feel the adrenaline being released and flowing through me with a warm panic. It's sickening. And then I panic more, because I don't want to panic anymore. 

I can't control this... I can't be okay on my own... so....

Am I giving in?? Or taking control???

Join me on my journey to find the right medication.... and hopefully be me again. 


  1. You already know I fully support your decision. I honestly believe its the best thing we can do for ourselves as well as for our kids. It isn't magic, and there will still be work to be done. So trust aren't giving up control. You are just evening your brain to the playing level other people are already at.

    Good luck girl!

  2. Hey...I better be saying that you are taking control...cause I have been a different way. I had my fourth baby, and am a totally upbeat kinda person, busy, outgoing...etc. But I started getting uptight, agitated easily, and my world seemed to crash down on me...I thought I needed a divorce, and to move away to a deserted island, but apperantly I had Post Pardum Depression..WHAT???!!! I am NOT a depressed person. I was mad. I didn't want to take medication...that meant I was a failure right?? Well, after trying Lexapro for a couple of months, my doctor switched me to Welbutrin...and I was able to gain control, and have since stopped needing it. I just needed something to help me sit back and say...I can totally handle this! Good luck on your journey...I know how frustrating it is to feel like you don't have control over your body...

  3. Aw, girl.I'm so sorry! Lexapro worked wonders for me and had no side effects. I hope it does the trick for you. And you're not giving IN - sometimes we just need a little something to help us get back to normal, and there's nothing wrong with that. I really love the honesty in this post.

  4. drop over to lots of good information there. (If that's not it, google crazymeds) When I saw your first image, I actually smiled! Hello, 10 mg lexapro! *haha!* Perhaps you need an anti-anxiety medicine like xanax or valium or something...a small dose in addition to your SSRI?
    hope505 is not a doctor - standard disclaimer! *haha!* Of course nobody wants to be takingpills for the rest of their life, but in the meantime (this is what I tell myself) they are helping me function more effectively in the world, address my issues without falling to pieces, and keep me from jumping off a tall building.
    * : )

  5. Aw {{{HUGS}}}} Taking that step is scary but I think you will be glad that you did. You have so much going on right now and your family needs to you take care of yourself as well as them. And how can you do that if you are stressed? So take the Lexapro (which works very well, I took it for a long time) and feel better. Let me know if you need to know where to find me :-)


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