Friday, February 20, 2009

What it's like being Bi-Polar, a wife, a mom and friend

***Part of Mesa's Story***

Hi to all that are support seekers or givers! I'm so glad you stopped by :). I hope that you will find some peace and comfort here amidst the Mania that causes Anxiety, Depression, etc..etc.. I am sharing a part of myself with you that not many know. I was diagnosed as being Bi-Polar a litte over a year ago, I also have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Seasonal Effective Disorder (SED..instead of and Anxiety! Let me tell you IT IS A LOT OF FUN being me, kinda..haha.. I tend to use humor to downplay the seriousness of my "illnesses". If there's 2 words that I wish could be banished they are Mental Illness, for those of us that have issues, and know that we have issues, calling us mentally ill puts a stigma on us, most of the time it makes me feel like I should be locked up (which maybe I should be?? That will be determined at a later time..although if you ask my closest friends they would whole heartedly agree..hehe).

How did I get to be this way you might be thinking? The short version is my up bringing or environment to which I was exposed. The long version, is well, quite a bit longer, so how about I just make it a medium version..compromise..gotta love it (again with the sarcastic humor..I know). Anyway, back to why I'm a maniac (singing the maniac song in my head), my father was bi-polar, my mother was depressed ALL the time, and they were both drug addicts. I saw at a very young age just what drugs can do to people and how violent they can become, I watched some beatings take place that have forever scarred me..hence- the need for counseling now at the age of 30! I knew growing up that something was a little off about me, but no one ever caught on, not until I was 19. I had my first BIG freak out. I will not go into all the details I will only say that I was crying out for help and no one could hear me. My second BIG freak out happened at 22. I have since then learned NOT TO FREAK out the way I had those 2 times and am now becoming better. I suppose I should give a definition to the BIG FREAK OUTS=Suicide Attempts. I knew the first time I tried that I wasn't going to die, it was just a cry for help. The second time well I thought maybe I might, however, God had other plans for me. I'll leave that for another post.

I had originally written a very long post doing a kind of chronological order of my past, but I chose to delete it because it was long and I felt that I should save some of that stuff for a later time. What I know about life right now and my purpose for sharing this story with all of you is stuff like what Young Momma and I are going through need to be talked about. I think that the longer people sit in silence the worse they become. Having 2 psychiatrists these days has been a big help for me, I have one that regulates my meds and one strictly for counseling. I take 3 different medications, Cymbalta, Lamictal and Mini-Press. The 3 combined are supposed to help keep me stable, some days they work, some days they don't. I'm still on the fence about them. I don't want to be chained to them for the rest of my life, but I might have to be. That is an on going event that will be explored more later.

The biggest thing for me is that I have always craved stability in my life, my marriage to Mark has by far been the best thing to have ever happened to me, along with both of my children of course :). SOmetimes I feel completely alone though, not having my mom, or my grandma has been the hardest things for me to deal with lately. I'll write more about that later too. I will end this post here for now...Thanks for reading.


  1. I understand this completely. I was dx'ed about 6 years ago with depression, GAD, PTSD and OCD. I went through the cycle of therapy & meds for a couple years. One day I woke up and said I had enough. I felt healed. I stopped the meds and therapy and well, I'm ok and functioning now. I still have some issues and need support getting through. But like you, I married my perfect soulmate who has been nothing but patient and understanding with me. I have my girls too, who keep me going. If it weren't for them then and now, who knows where I would be.

    Anyhow, I wanted to commend you on starting this blog. It's wonderful that you feel like you can both open up so publicly. I'm still at the stage where I like to sweep my mental health under the rug sometimes. Definitely a work in progress.

  2. Mesa,
    I'm so touched reading your words and seeing another path of life you have to walk on that is not really written on the other blog.

    Like Jaime above, I also commend you for being able to put into words the journey you are on for others to read. And hopefully be inspired to know they are not alone if they ever come across this blog!


  3. I hope this journal of sorts helps you in your journey.


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